I want to make something very, very clear:
I have never been wooed. I am unwooable.
Statistically a man would have more chance of winning a fight with a bear over getting a date with me. I mean, have you seen men? Have you interacted with one? The only thing that’s changed in thousands of years is the clothes they wear. And even then…
“Yup you’ll never get those early days of young love back again. So where can we go to get the butterflies a-fluttering?”
Nope, I was – and remain – an ice queen.
And if he reckons he bowled me over, he’s talking nonsense. What, I’m going to be impressed by WW2 trivia, YouTube clips of Gazza’s greatest goals and Alan Partridge impressions?
No chance. Anyway, when we first met, Steve McDonald from Corrie was at the same restaurant. I’d never been up close to hotness like that. He was just oozing charisma. We locked eyes from across the room.
He arched an eyebrow.
I fluttered my eyelashes.
He made a sort of nodding motion, as if to say “follow me”.
His date slapped him.
It was a moment.
But look, although the spark is a little less, erm, sparky these days, my man does have a certain something something.
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Yup you’ll never get those early days of young love back again. So where can we go to get the butterflies a-fluttering? Well, there’s only one thing for it…
The big screen love list
Grab the popcorn, your favourite hoodie and prepare to get your cry on, because we’re binge-watching big screen love:
Notting Hill
Yes. I know you’ve seen it. That doesn’t matter. Watch it again. Hugh Grant uses his accent and floppy hair to blow the socks off giant-mouthed Goddess Julia Roberts.
Crumpet rating: 4/5
Cry rating: 3/5
Taste Original Snack: Get your friends round and share in the nostalgia with the Satay mini pack bags
The Bridget Jones series
There are 4 Bridget Jones films. That’s nearly 7 hours 32mins of total film run-time. If you start at 9.30am you can get through them all in one day, with breaks for cry-texting your mates built in. Get involved. Includes yet more Grant, with frothy dollops of Firth thrown about.
Crumpet rating: 3/5
Cry rating: 2/5
Taste Original Snack: A perfect Chardonnay paired pack of Peri Peri Chicken Skewers
The Notebook
Ryan Gosling. In the rain. With his top off. I really have very little to add.
Crumpet rating: 5/5
Cry rating: 4/5
Taste Original Snack: Southern Fried with a smouldering chipotle dip
Titanic
Go on, you know you want to! Rewatch and don’t feel guilty. I won’t tell anyone. Leonardo Di Caprio glows and Kate Winslet giggles. He looks wonderful, she looks better. Shame about the boat.
Crumpet rating: 3/5
Cry rating: 4/5
Taste Original Snack: It’s a classic. You need a classic. So it’s Satay skewers all the way.
Normal People
Warning: This TV series contains Paul Mescal. Proceed with caution if you have a partner.
Crumpet rating: 10/5
Cry rating: 1/5
Taste Original Snack: Hotness on top of hotness. It’s Southern Fried again with a Mescal worthy chipotle dip to savour.
