Welcome to Christmas
The season of goodwill to all, especially if you like making stuff up.
Because we’re dead sorry to burst your festive bubble, but do you get to this point of the year and think: “hang on, this whole thing is built on a web of lies?”
We do. And we’re over it. Let’s bust some Christmas myths.
“You sleep 360 days of the year. There’s no “marzipan”. Life goes on. But for about 5 days of the year, around Christmas time, there’s… marzipan.”
Myth 1: Christmas Crackers
Crimbo (ick) lunch slaps if you’ve got gallons of gravy, 743 roast potatoes each and wrist-snapping, ear-drum clapping Christmas crackers to pull.
The jokes! The trinkets! Although those tiny screwdrivers from the posh crackers are pretty useful tbf.
Less so those paper hats that are too tight for your head. Nope. No need.
Festive necessity: 1/5
Myth 2: Reindeer
Of course, reindeer are real. They are found in Europe, Siberia, North America. They’re real animals and we should respect that.
You might not find them, though, “flying” through the air, pulling a massive red sleigh, led by an egotistical show-off called Rudolph.
Rudolph speaks out after being dropped pic.twitter.com/qthHtcUb96
— Rob Morgan (@robbiemorgz) December 12, 2025
Maybe not.
Festive falsity: 4/5
Myth 3: Hallmark Movies
Hey! Let’s put matching festive pyjamas on, chuck red wine all over our faces and do an ironic watch of a Hallmark Christmas movie! ‘Tis the season!
Get. In. The. Bin.
@theonlycb3no way😂😂by the time he finished saying the name, i’ve already lost interest, i’m not going 😂😂😂😂♬ original sound – Charles Brockman III
When did people start thinking this kind of thing was ok? Have we fallen so far, as human beings? Is there any way back for us?
Festive must-watch: 1/5
Myth 4: Marzipan
You sleep 360 days of the year. There’s no “marzipan”. Life goes on. But for about 5 days of the year, around Christmas time, there’s “marzipan”.
Disguised as fruit.
Served as a block.
Wrapped around our Christmas cakes.
@yazyum Ranking different marzipan flavour Mukbang #Yazyum #MukbangEatingShow #Marzipan #MarzipanFlavours #ASMREating ♬ Coffee and Chords – ya-su
Come on man, what’s going on here? Who’s running the marzipan racket?
Festive must-eat: 3/5
(you know what, it’s really tasty actually. But that’s not the point…)
Myth 5: The Christmas Story
It’s a great story, we would say that. It’s just that we have…some questions. Three wise men carrying, er, frankincense and myrrh? Never seen that stuff on Vinted.
Angels singing to shepherds? Was this FaceTime, What’s App? How could this be? And just how did Mary and Joseph even get to Bethlehem?
Yeah, like we say, we have a few questions.
