Bon Jovi – Back Door Santa
Bon Jovi – Back Door Santa
‘80s hair spray enthusiast Jon Bon Jovi fails to future-proof the meaning of this yuletide song title. And about halfway through he uses the lyric: “I leave the back door open, so if anybody smells a mouse”.
To this day – and despite the work of our finest minds – we still don’t know why. And perhaps its best we never do.
Rating: 5 lumps of coal
Christina Aguilera – Oh Holy Night
Global music super-reviewers Wales Online called this “one of the absolute worst Christmas songs of all time.”
Then again, if having the Lord’s Prayer recited to you in the middle of a Christmas song is your bag, then whack the volume up and let us pray.
Rating: 4 lumps of coal
Cilla Black – Frostie the Snowman
When she wasn’t terrorising airline staff, Cilla Black was terrorising anyone with decent hearing.
Shot on something of a budget, with a real 1980s public safety film aesthetic, her version of Frostie the Snowman – how scary is Frostie, by the way – is harrowing.
Rating: 5 lumps of coal
N’Sync – I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas
Newsflash: Justin Timberlake hates you. The other N’Syncers? They hate you, too.
They hate us all so much and this song proves it.
Remarkably N’Sync have never been punished for this crime, a fact that should shame law enforcement agencies across the globe.
Rating: 4 lumps of coal
The Ladbaby Christmas Catalogue
Great causes? Absolutely.
The worst Christmas music ever? Absolutely.
Rating: All the coal. All of it.
Nothing says Christmas quite like, well, a Christmas film. Apart from these. These don’t say Christmas.
These are a cry for help.
Home Sweet Home Alone
If you got the least talented people in the world to remake Home Alone, it would be this.
Rating: Zero mince pies
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
Hey! Let’s make Santa Claus unbelievably seedy! Everyone would love that, right?
Rating: 1 mince pie (Martin Short is in it. Must have had a tax bill or something…)
A Christmas Prince
Is it that bad? Put it this way: I’d rather walk into traffic than watch this again.
Rating: No mince pies for you…
A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding
These maniacs thought the first one was decent, so they did a sequel. They should all be behind bars.
Rating: …and none for you either
Love Actually
The Festive Satan of Christmas Film Hell. Misogyny. Toxic masculinity. Classism. A frivolous take on airport security. It’s got it all folks! And Liam Neeson.
Rating: Zero mince pies
